Your husband sounds like a jerk. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. Liquid Luck July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? The Passive Aggressive Personality She is also noncompetitive. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? bittergaymark July 2, 2013, 12:45 pm. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. But you can help your daughter learn to cope with her feelings and manage her relationship with her father. When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. Encourage her to have fun with him. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. I completely agree with you on Buffy. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. He also occasionally went to movies with us. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? You May Not Know These 8 Things Are Pushing Your Husband Away - Lifehack I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. Id definitely address his eye-rolling and tell him it is likely going to drive her away, but I also think that if you make an effort to stop excluding him, you might find his behavior improving. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. Yes! One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. But for practical advice: board games. "My Husband's Pushing My Daughter Away" - Dear Wendy , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! Awesome. My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. No. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. And he is a loyal friend. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. Addie Pray July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. Grow up, already. Anything! But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. Make it a game. Things like going for ice cream. oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. July 2, 2013, 1:18 pm, Um, both piano recitals and spelling bees are CONSTRUCTIVE activities Fangirling? He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. You shouldnt belittle her hobbies because shes more cultured than you , lets_be_honest Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. Nip . One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. , temperance Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. . I think this is what the LW needs to communicate to her husband. Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. Thats true, I had that thought that maybe the mom and daughters perspective on assignments was skewed. In the Summer of 1993 when I was 12 I went through a serious Tom Petty phase and my dad LOVED it. July 2, 2013, 4:47 pm. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. So insightful! Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. They wouldnt do that, would they? He was much kinder to them.) Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. Its no crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. It makes them feel safe. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. lets_be_honest People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. Spyglassez However, its wife that wrote in. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! Dear Therapist: My In-Laws Are Driving Me Nuts - The Atlantic You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. I second this. What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly : r/Advice However, he also needs to learn to compromise. Your email address will not be published. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. temperance I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. I dont think theres anything wrong with taking a child camping who doesnt necessarily like it that much. Plus he writes strong female characters, which is good for any girl growing up to identify with. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. Usually sharks.). Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. One activity we all enjoyed!!!! This is NO accident. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? Now she's asked me to talk to him for her and, the truth is, I'm fed up with her moping and simply don't want to. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. He would watch Full House or something with us. 6napkinburger He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. Up to a point. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. How dare she share her own interests. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. WOW! going to museums? Our differences are what make people interesting. Blow out the torches! Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. EL ESPIRITU DETRAS DE LA PUERTA - Facebook My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. Child Custody and Substance Abuse - Verywell Family I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it. Someone gets one out and I want to vomit. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. lets_be_honest At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. I get that hes probably feeling left out, but thats not cool. I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Why Is My Husband Driving My Daughter Away (15 Reasons) Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. Dream! When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. Everything Hilary Duff Has Said About Her Motherhood Journey Over the Years . How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. Spyglassez How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. We garden and cook together, and sometimes share favorite TV shows. Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really? I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. My dad would also try to do things we liked.